It was a Friday night,
Music banging in the pub.
Scent of cigarette smoke and alcohol on your lips.
You bent down to kiss my lips.
But you missed,
And got my forehead in the mist.
How can such an innocent gesture,
Leave me so emotionally in a twist?
Years have gone by
And I still think about that kiss
– V. Roshni Singh.
p.s. Written on the 22nd Jan 2018.
I am not sure how to approach this, but clearly I have been M.I.A on the blogosphere.
It doesn’t really matter to me as I use this like a diary.
Riflession or reflection.
Often enough, we forget to stop and smell the flowers but we mostly forget to stop and take stock of our pervious actions.
We are so busy in this modern world. Always bustling to some meeting, an appointment, the store for something to cook. We do not stand still.
I HAVE BEEN STANDING STILL.
1 month of stillness.
1 month of confrontation with myself.
1 month of the ugly.
1 month of truth.
and lots more of acceptance to go.
This journey of healing from psychological scars that are so embedded within me that I don’t see reason, it still a roller coaster.
A test of my patience and resilience.
Unfortunately, I am not that patient.
It has been two months since I have been on the site. And even longer since I have posted. So much had happened in such a short space or time. Though it seems like it has been longer.
Have you stood still?
How often do you reflect?
I do it negilably.
It the end of the 8th month of the year on the Geogian Calender. Much has changed and yet I still feel the same.
Sometimes to get better and be better you need to take a leep of faith. This leap of faith is difficult for me to do.
How do I leave home to live in a safe environment? How can i use barely one month rent income to live on? Provided that is all my bank account has?
How do I leave the the toxic envirnomwnt for the uncertain? Especially in a high stress period of university? And deadlines galore looming overhead?
How can I even be okay? Though I already packed my belongings to move out?
How do I complete the 5 essays due for wednesay, the weekly entry I have overdue, and the 40% final paper all before friday and leave? How do I stand up at the public forum (on political economy hosted by political science dept) on thursday coming to be pulled down in it? How do I prepare for the forum? How do I be okay?
I wish for an anxiety attack now. I wish for some bad news that will put in all in perspective for me. How do I move on and be okay?
Here I stand at a cross road in my life. The end of one journey and the beginning of another. Though I am not sure what I want to do with myself. Post graduate school one time? To work? Or should I look to settle down? I probably should of look for a husband in university but I was too focused on finishing my education.
My restless soul is begging for another adventure but my abused body is seeking recovery. What should I do? I am desperate for a great escape. I want to enjoy the sand between my toes. Not only the sand from Maracas Bay but also the sand from pristine Barbados or romantic St Vincent.
^Animal Flower Cave, Barbados, West Indies.
^Bequia, St Vincent and the Grenedines, West Indies
^Downtown Kingstown, St Vincent and The Grenadines, West Indies
The charm and growth from traveling alone is what I desire but my responsibilities and duties are making me feel guilty for even indulging in the idea of not working.
I stand at this cross road of life. Maybe I will just let go and go with the flow.
Depressive episodes
I am suppose to be able to sleep all the time but I don’t
I wake for days on end and then sleep a whole 20 hours.
Poping the pills,
Drinking the camomile tea.
Some yoga as well,
Yet I lay here staring at the ceiling.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Try it again.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I feel like i’m suffocating.
Headache, nausea and body pains.
Maybe I will be lucky and it is a virus.
I know better though.
It is a restless corpse in an episode.
Will I land myself back in the psyche ward?
That did suck!
Maybe they can sedate me,
I probably won’t even be able to sleep then.
What is better?
To feel everything,
All the time?
Or nothing at all?
To be numb and love a routine,
Or feel and be haunted?
Is it loneliness? That causes me this pain?
Or my years of burying my feelings?
Is it my issues surfacing at night?
Or do I just need somemore melatonin?
Maybe tomorrow will go better than I anticipate,
Thought it is already quite late.
I should move alone,
But i’m chainned in pain. 
Sitting here under the tree,
Thinking of all that could be.
What has been, transpired before,
What could be, is left up to us.
What has been, affects us greatly,
What could be, is undetermined.
Don’t slip away,
This year had been tuff,
Don’t let go,
You are enough.
Maybe as we get older and life seems to be a little less magical, we tend to think the worst.
Well I surely do.
Maybe it is seasonal depression, or maybe not. I live on a island in the Caribbean for goodness sake.
Just finished finals. The last Christmas Finals I will write in UWI and you will think I will be happy but I am not.
I feel alone, bitter and disappointed in myself.
Maybe it is just my depression.
The dispear I feel.
Is it real?
Or not?
My heart ache
And earns for someone.
The hopelessness of being this alone
Scarces me.
Drowing in my thoughts as the insomia wins.
I feel insufficient.
But I am not.
Though infinite.
We are contrained by our emotions.
That they do.
So with a bleeding heart and a tired body.
I will absorb the pain.
What does it mean to be human to you?
Is it the simple act of waking everyday?
Or is it to thrive in this harsh life?
It is walking, talking, smelling, thinking or feeling?
To be alive is so amazing…
But much like everyone else,
I am caught up in the mundane.
The motions of living life, without truly experiencing it.
So what does it mean to be human?
Self-importance?
Love?
Charity?
Empathy?
Gratitude?
I have always heard that gratitude is the attitude to have,
But how far has that ever gotten anyone?
Can we all be kind, humble and gentle?
Can we not rips others apart?
Feel and Empathize.
Stop and smell the flowers
Feel the chill in the rain,
Listen to the birds sing.
We need much more in this life than to just exist.
Much more than to breathe each day.
We need to feel
Appropriately tittled. The movie was breaking the book? I am not sure of yet. However, it did get me thinking…
Physical disabilities vs Mental disabilities. Are the two the same? Is one worst?
I lay in bed and ponder this. Which is worst? The movie showed unconditionality. Love unconditionally. The message was different though.
It said to LIVE. That you have potential. So live.
There is always a solution. Things get better… There are bad days and there are good days…
And then, after all of this, all I can think, is that if I have to choose again, I will choose you.
V.Roshni.Singh 